Project: Farmer John

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FARMER JOHN'S ROYAL VISIT

by David C. Evans

One bright morning Farmer John woke up and stretched. He yawned and opened his eyes. 'What a lovely morning,' he said to Wendy his wife, 'what's happening today dear?'

          'I don't know,' said Wendy, 'but I expect something will, something's always happening on Thistledown Farm.'

           Farmer John smiled. 'Yes,' he said, 'life on Thistledown Farm is never dull.'

          They dressed and went downstairs for breakfast.

            'I think I'll do some odd jobs today, dear,' said Farmer John. 'I've got fences to mend and some pig-pens to muck out, it's a nice day, I think I'll get on with that.'

'Good idea,' said Wendy, and she gave him a plate of sausages, bacon and eggs.

Farmer John munched his sausages. Just then the phone rang.

'Can you go?' said Wendy. 'I'm in the middle of something.'

Farmer John jumped up with a mouthful of sausage. He picked up the receiver.

'Good morning,' said a voice. 'Can I speak to John Stubblefield please?'

'Speaking,' mumbled Farmer John through his sausages.

'This is Buckingham Palace,' said the voice. 'The Queen has heard so much about Thistledown Farm that she wishes to visit you today, she will be coming at 9 o'clock this morning.'

Farmer John gulped. 'This morning!' he cried, ' 9 o'clock? But it's already 8.30.'

'Is that a problem?' said the voice.

'No, no, of course not,' said Farmer John hastily, 'it will be an honour!' He put down the receiver and dashed into the kitchen. 'WENDY!' he cried. 'The Queen is coming in half an hour, what are we going to do?'

'Heavens!' said Wendy, 'the place is a mess. We'd better get tidied up.' She rushed to find her vacuum cleaner.

Farmer John went out into the yard. He stared around him. There were piles of rusty old tin, coils of rusty barbed wire, old fertilizer sacks were scattered everywhere and lots of old car tyres were lying around. Next to the workshop were some broken old gates and by the woodshed was a pile of rotting logs!

'Oh dear,' thought Farmer John. 'What am I going to do with all this junk? I know, I'll chuck it all in a big heap behind the barn. The Queen will never see it there.'

He got a wheelbarrow and started moving all the rubbish. It took him many trips and when he had finished he was quite exhausted. 'There,' he said, 'that's that done, now I'd better clean the yard, the Queen doesn't want to see a mucky farmyard.'

He found a shovel and a brush and began brushing the yard down. He brushed and he brushed and he brushed until his back ached. Finally he straightened up. 'That's better,' he said. He was quite out of breath when a huge black shiny car with a flag flying from the roof rolled into the yard. A chauffeur got out and opened the door. The Queen stepped out.

'Your Majesty,' puffed Farmer John. 'Welcome to Thistledown Farm!'

'Enchanted,' said the Queen. She looked around the farmyard. 'What a tidy farm,' she said smiling. 'It's so nice to see a well kept farmyard.'

Farmer John grinned. 'Thank you Your Majesty,' he said. 'I like to keep things tidy! Do you have any gumboots Ma'am?' he asked.

'I was hoping I might borrow a pair,' said the Queen. 'Mine have a hole in.'

'Of course,' said Farmer John. 'Wait there.' And he nipped into the farmhouse and brought out a pair of his poshest wellies. 'They might be a bit big,' he said.

'That's all right,' said the Queen, 'I've got thick socks on.'

'I'm afraid I haven't milked the cows yet,' said Farmer John. 'Would you like to help?'

'Oh yes,' said the Queen, 'I love cows.'

'We'll have to go and fetch them,' said Farmer John, 'it's a bit of a walk but you'll be able to see the farm then.'

'How nice,' said the Queen, and she followed Farmer John through the yard and across the fields to get the cows. He pointed out all the fields on the way. 'That's the big field,' he said, 'and that's my favourite tree, and over there is the river where Myrtle my muckspreader fell in once.'

'Goodness!' said the Queen. 'Was she all right?'

'Oh yes,' said Farmer John. 'She was being a bit naughty I'm afraid, she was covering everybody with dung but she's learnt her lesson, she's behaving herself very well now.'

'I'm glad to hear it,' said the Queen.

They brought the cows in from the fields and started milking. Daisy was very surprised when she realised who was milking her. 'Moo!' she said. 'Your Majesty, what an honour!'

'May I present Your Majesty with Daisy,' said Farmer John. 'She's my best milker. She always wins first prize at the county show every year.'

'I'm delighted to meet you, Daisy,' said the Queen.

Daisy blushed.

When they had finished milking the cows Farmer John asked the Queen if she wouldn't mind helping him with a few little jobs.

'Of course,' said the Queen, 'I'd love to help.'

So Farmer John took the Queen to his workshop. They collected a hammer and some nails, a saw and some timber and put them in a trailer. Farmer John jumped up into his tractor cab and the Queen perched next to him. They drove off up the lane to a place where there was a gap in the hedge. Farmer John jumped out and started building a fence. The Queen gave him a hand. Farmer John held a wooden stake and the Queen knocked it into the ground with a big hammer.

'There,' said Farmer John, 'that's one done, only ten more to do!'

The Queen got a bit warm with knocking fence posts in, it was quite hard work! When they had finished they sat down and ate some sandwiches.

'How lovely to be sitting in the countryside eating sandwiches,' said the Queen. 'All that hard work has made me feel quite hungry.'

But they weren't able to sit down for long. Farmer John's sheep had got out. They weren't in the field where they belonged.

'Would Your Majesty mind helping me with my sheep?' asked Farmer John.

'Of course not,' said the Queen. 'I'd be delighted.'

The Queen and Farmer John began chasing his sheep around the field. They were very silly and didn't want to go through an open gateway. The Queen got very hot and bothered with chasing them around. Eventually though the sheep went back where they belonged.

'Goodness,' puffed the Queen, 'that was good exercise. Running around after sheep must keep you very fit.'

'Yes,' said Farmer John, 'it does!'

Farmer John let the Queen get her breath back.

'Now if you don't mind,' he said, 'I've got another little job you could help me with.'

'Oh,' said the Queen, 'do I have to?'

'It won't take very long,' said Farmer John. 'I need you to help muck out my pigs!'

'If I must,' said the Queen, 'but then I think I really must be going. I have some important matters to attend to. I have to open Parliament.'

'That can wait,' said Farmer John. 'My pigs are far more important!'

He gave the Queen a fork and a wheelbarrow. 'Here are the pigs, Ma'am,' he said. 'Now, I'll just leave you to get on with it while I go and have a cup of tea.' He pushed off leaving the Queen forking manure!

'Is the Queen all right?' asked Wendy, when he came in.

'Oh yes,' said Farmer John. 'She's doing very well. She's helped me with the milking, built a fence, chased some sheep around and now I've got her cleaning out my pigs.'

'WHAT!' cried Wendy, 'You can't be serious!'

'She's being very helpful,' said Farmer John. 'She doesn't seem to mind.'

'JOHN STUBBLEFIELD, you stupid man! You mean to tell me that the Queen kindly came to pay you a visit and you made her muck out your pigs! I don't believe it. Sometimes I think you've got no sense at all. What are you thinking of?'

Farmer John was a little taken aback. 'But Wendy,' he cried, 'I was going to pay her.'

'PAY HER!' said Wendy. 'But the Queen doesn't need your money, she's got plenty enough of her own. I think you need your head looking at!'

'Rubbish,' said Farmer John. 'She's enjoying it, a bit of hard work never hurt anyone. Besides, she's got nothing else to do, only open Parliament.'

'Well,' said Wendy, 'that's o.k. then, but I think you'd better go and see how she's getting on. We don't want to tire her out.'

But just then the Queen came to the door. 'I've finished,' she said. 'Can I go now?'

'Of course,' said Farmer John, 'but before you do let me give you this.' He got out his wallet and took out a used five pound note. 'There,' he said, 'I think you've earned it!'

The Queen took the money. 'Thank you,' she said, 'that will come in very handy.'

'Don't forget to give me back my gumboots,' said Farmer John.

'Can I keep them as a memento?' said the Queen.

'Of course,' said Farmer John, 'by all means.'

'I'll think of you whenever I wear them,' said the Queen. 'I've had such an interesting day!'

'I'm glad,' said Farmer John. 'Would you like to come and visit us again?'

'I don't know,' said the Queen. 'It's been quite an experience but I think I'm going to be very busy for quite some time!' And she got into her car and disappeared off up the lane.